And the summer became the fall……………………………
Mikala text messaged me today and asked me how I am really doing? She shares with me her impatience in healing and while I don’t think any of us will ever recover from the death of Michael, we can certainly hope and pray for peace of mind and heart. I am just praying that that day really does appear. She told me one day that she was really mad at her dad for not being there when she needed his help, mad because he will never be there to help her again. Nick tells Kimi that Michael comes to him in his dreams and is helping him make it through boot camp. Nick tells me in his letters that he copes by talking to everyone he meets about his dad. He is also convinced that Michael is the new graphics designer in heaven and is the head designer for the clouds.
We did a white balloon release at the memorial service. Nick and I held out balloons till the very last moment. We didn’t want to let go of them. Letting go of them meant letting go of Michael. I have never been good at letting go. Especially of someone that I loved so dearly. Yes, it still hurts, can y;ou tell? But at least I am able to smile more, talk about Michael to others without breaking down and while my voice will crack and the tears will come to my eyes……I can usually control my emotions. I guess I am getting stronger.
I went to a motivational seminar on Monday. Zig Ziglar was there, Colin Powell, Laura Bush, Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and several other great speakers. They were each very different in their presentations….not only in content but in the way they presented but each one talked about two things in particular. One was TRUST……the trust you have for yourself and the trust you must have in others and JOY……the joy that we must be able to find everyday.
I challenge myself to find joy everyday. Even when things are not always as I hope or wish, I try to find the joy. If I can’t find the joy in someone or something, I try very hard to let it go, walk around it or take it out of my life. The people that bring us down and do not contribute to our joy are not worthy of our thoughts or attention. We truly do have the ability to choose the people we surround ourselves with. This is not always easy. There are many days I wonder if I will ever find true joy again. I can’t imagine at this point where my life is going or what I am supposed to do…….I am still on that quest in my life. I do wish I would hurry and find it……..I told Mikala that her impatience is a gene inherited from me! Michael was the patient one. Not always but as he grew older he just realized that being impatient was not usually worth the effort and he just rolled with the flow. I need to work on that skill as well.
My biggest challenge is finding sleep. Sleep is still not my friend. It’s almost like game between the body and the mind. Who is going to win tonight? If the mind gives in and relaxes then the emotions want to take over and I am so tired of crying that I find myself constantly struggling to stay busy so that I don’t have to experience the sadness. Then I pay the price by being so tired from the 3am late nights. Life is not fair. I get it. I still don’t have to like it. I am trying now to just not hate it. I don’t have to like it, try not to hate it. That is the mantra.
So, the summer has turned into the fall and another season will be ascending upon on us soon. I will hope that the final months of this year pass me by as quickly as possible. Michael loved all the holidays. He loved the smells, the tastes, the get togethers with our family and our friends. He loved the twinkly lights, the music, the decorations, the shopping and of course the surprises on Christmas Eve. The holidays are never going to be the same. My life without Michael will never be the same. Did I say I would try not to hate it………………….
Kimi and I will be going to see Nick soon. I miss him so much. What a great boy / man he has become. Michael was proud of him. I am sure that he tells Nick this in his dreams. London turned one on the 18th. Michael and I were so excited at the birth of our first grandbaby. Michael was a proud grandpa. He loved the name “Grandpa” and he wanted to take London fishing……………I wish London would have known him. Maybe he does.
So, life goes on……..again…….I am praying that Mikala and Nick and I find peace in our own ways, as we need it to be, that we never forget the man that has made such an impact on our hearts and in our lives and that we learn to feel joy again and that as the seasons change, so will we, for the better.
I love you Michael. I miss you terribly. If God gave me the choice to stay or go, I would go but until that day comes, I will never forget and I will always love you.
Libby
