And Life Goes On………

The days have gone from being just days to weeks and now to months………just when I think that time is working it’s magic and returning me to normal I realize that I  truly will never be “normal”.  I am ok, just not the same.  I don’t cry everyday anymore but not a day goes by that my heart does not sink when I remember that Michael is not coming home. I have questioned everything I know to question about how and why this could have happened, why it did happen and why it had to end so suddenly.  In my mind I had decided that Michael would be here till at least the end of the year.  In his mind he had decided that he was not leaving us for a very long time, if ever.  False hope from the doctor that I was able to read between the lines but Michael loved me and the kids so deeply and dearly that he would not accept that this was real, serious and going to happen.  I just never dreamed it would happen so fast.  That is the shock that has taken so long to set into my heart.  It is over.  It’s not going to change…….I hate it and that is not going to change anything either.  I have gone through being mad at the doctor, being mad at God to just being sad, sad that I was left behind.  Isn’t that selfish on my part?!?!?!  I feel cheated in life because the man that I loved with all my heart and soul is not here to share anything with me.  We can’t share the love Mikala and Wes have for London, his first steps, his first words, his beautiful eyes and smile that melted Michael’s heart.  Before he lapsed into a coma I showed him London’s card that Mikala  had sent on Fathers Day.  That big goofy sweet smile saying “I am coming to give you sloppy kisses Grandpa” that I read over and over to him and Michael would smile and say “that little boy”.  Then I would show him Mikala’s crazy photo of her running in a marathon and he would laugh and say “I love that goofy girl” and then each day Nick would come in and sit on his bed and visit and when he left Michael would always say “that is one good boy, I love him”.  Those are the words I miss, the voice I want to hear……We won’t share Nick’s accomplishments as a United States Soldier.  Nick left on August 23rd for the Army.  I know that Michael is so very proud of the man his son has turned out to be. He was so happy that Nick and Kimi were married and that he was able to be there. We can’t share finally being alone again after having kids at home for 29  years…..the things we planned to do, the travels, the relaxing, being together for the rest of our life.

I was talking to my friend the other night and I was going over  the what if’s, the I wish and the fact that I did not want Michael to take the chemo and she gently reminded me that none of the what if’s or wishes or wants really mattered because when the minute ticked on the clock that was already etched in the book of life and death, when it was Michael’s time to leave this earthly life that nothing could stop that moment in time.  And, I know that it is true.  Not what I wanted to hear, but none the less true.  Faith.  Faith is the word that keeps me moving forward right now.  I have faith that one day we will be together again and that I will not have pain in my heart and soul like this forever.  Until that day………….I will work on healing, on caring for Mikala, Nick, London, Wes and Kimi, on being a good person and helping others……..leaving more than I take.

I have discovered that life is shorter than we think, life can change in the blink of an eye and that we leave this world with absolutely NOTHING but our soul & we leave behind with others whatever we choose to share with them.  Michael shared so much of himself with me and our children.  I know what an awesome man he was, how humble and caring he could be and how many lives he truly touched with the massive amount of cards, letters, emails and phone calls that I have received.  I hope he knows how many people have been so good to me because of him.  He really payed it forward for me.  I love him so much.

Friends……….friends come into our life in such a variety of degrees and depth of being.  I have some friends that are always in my life when it matters and isn’t that what friends are supposed to do?  Pick you up when you can’t pick yourself up, listen without talking because they know you can’t listen right now, love you when you don’t love yourself and sit with you into the wee hours of the morning because you can’t sleep and they know you don’t want to be alone.  Oh, and I can’t forget the friends that have painted, cleaned, hammered, whatever it took to make my home beautiful and comfortable for me to be in.  Those are the friends that are friends…….the ones who are here when it matters.  Thank you my friends.

Now the summer has moved into the fall.  And soon another season will pass.  How quickly the time does move.  I am not sure how I feel about the ending of this year.  It sure didn’t turn out how I planned it to be looking back at my goals set in January 2010.  I don’t want to dwell on the past so I will do my best to look forward to the future………..I have no idea what I am doing or how I will do it but I keep the faith that there is a plan and that I will be smart enough to know it and accept it when it is presented to me.  I am still questioning life and all the whys and whats and if I ever find out the answer……..well, that will be another post on the blog.

Love you…………………Libby

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