There is not a day that goes by that someone either calls me, texts me, emails me, Facebook messages me or sees me that doesn’t ask…….” How are you? “
I usually reply……..” I’m ok. ” Some people accept that for what it is and others press a little harder by asking me……”really, how are you? ” I thought about that today and decided that I would answer that question.
I really don’t think I know how I am. I am still very sad but I don’t cry on a regular basis through out the day. I miss Michael like I have never missed anyone in my entire life but now I can say that without bursting into tears. I walk into our home at least once a day knowing that he will not ever be there to greet me again and I know that I will never look up again and see him smiling at me as he walks in the door for me to greet him nor will we ever walk in that door together again. It hurts and it hurts bad. I still don’t know how I will ever get used to that. I still don’t know how I am going to do it but I don’t have any choices or any control over what has happened. At least I am not getting sick anymore when I think about it. I just still feel incredibly sad when I allow that thought to cross my mind.
I am still not sleeping very well. I am just learning not to text people in the wee hours of the morning. I am trying to see happiness and joy at least once each day and I am able to say Michaels name in a sentence without tears running down my face. Or maybe I am just learning a little self control.
Then all my wonderful friends and family will ask…….”What can I do for you?” I wish I knew the answer to that one. I don’t even know what to do for myself. I just keep thinking that this magical time, the time that heals all sorrows will hurry up and pass and maybe, just maybe I will wake up one day and this sick feeling in my stomach and the tightness in my chest will have lifted. Where are you time?
Michael was my very best friend. He was the person that I preferred to spend my time with, the person I told all my secrets, dreams and goals to and he understood all my quirky ways without ever judging me, just sometimes gently laughing with his deep soft voice. I miss his voice so much. I miss hearing him call me “darlin’”. I miss waking up next to him and hugging him each night before I went to sleep. I miss our trips to the bookstore, our non stop hunt for M&Ms and just hanging out watching his stupid movies over and over again that he loved so much. I would go back and watch every stupid movie he ever wanted me to watch if I could just have him here with me again. Life really sucks.
My friends are awesome. Someone comes over most everyday and I am called throughout the day…………….thanks guys! I hope that one day I can be as good of a friend to you as you are to me. Life is so unfair sometimes that it makes it even more important to be kind to each other to try to balance out the score. Be patient with me, I am sure that one day I will really be ok but right now I am just here and trying to understand why and where I am going and what I am supposed to be doing. When I find out, you will be the first to know.
Love and hugs………………….Libby
Libby,
I don’t know you, nor have you meet me, but I was working on finding a printer for my sister’s wedding, and noticed the link to your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your husbands (& best friend’s) death. I am also a widow, and have been for the past 6+ years. I wanted to pass on a few words of comfort that may be of encouragement now, or a bit down the road.
You are in the midst of such incredible pain right now that it is not helpful to hear any “solutions” or answers to the problem of the gut wrenching pain you feel. Don’t expect too much of yourself, right now.
Bless other’s who love you, by letting them help you w/ not only the things your husband took care of, but also the menial day to day things that don’t require your personal attending to.
Others will unintentionally put you in a strange & frustrating position of being their counselor &/ or healer by wanting you to be “okay” so that they will feel better knowing that you are doing “well” in your grief. Let this pressure go & allow yourself to grieve when you need to. It is a part of God’s will for you to emotionally relieve the pressure so that your grief will not start effecting your health negatively.
Allow those who genuinely love & want to help you, into your life w/out fear of being judged. You need their support now as you did when your husband was sick, or even more.
If you don’t know what you “need” help with & you are struggling with being lonely, call on those friends who you know will be comfortable to just sit & cry with you (or just sit while you need to cry) & not try to”fix” you.
One last piece of advice I wish I had understood when I lost my best friend & husband, is that it is okay for someone who loves the Lord & is a believer in Jesus to be mad at Him. It does not scare the Lord to hear your raw emotions…He made them & it is not a sin nor it does not make you a “bad” christian to be honest w/ Him. He wants to hear your heart~ He already knows it better than you & weeps with you. I pushed those emotions, feelings & the guilt produced by them down deep constantly & they caused me to be “stuck” in the anger phase much longer than is healthy.
I hope I have not been to presumptive by posting these lessons I have learned in the refining fire of grief. You probably know some of these lessons from your journey through your husband’s illness. I will be lifting you up in prayer by name, Libby, and asking the God of all comfort to pour out His peace & strength as you walk through suffering. There is truth in the scripture that we can experience joy in suffering (in little bits) & it is only by holding on, the best you can, to your Savior, when you have nothing else to cling too. You will be OK down the road due to the faithfulness and mercy of Jesus. You don’t have to be OK now, but know that the hurt will lessen as time goes on & that is hope for the future.
Much Love,
Anne Kirby