One Year

Today is April 25th, 2011.

On April 18th, 2010 Michael and I were in the emergency room when Dr Brown walked in with the news that would change our life forever…….Terminal Stage IV Liver Cancer.  Imagine how you would feel if it were you or  your spouse.

Sigh……………….

Is it easier……yes.

Do I still miss him, think about him everyday, wish I could go back in time, wish I could change everything?………yes.

Michael James Tilton was a good man.  He loved his children soooooo much!  We loved each other.  Was it always easy? Of course not.  But we weathered all the storms, we faced all the trials and tribulations that married life and family life brings our way.  We became the BEST of friends.

I miss him more than my words can ever say.  This has been a very tough month as I have re-lived everyday of what we were doing, how we were feeling, how we were coping.

Life is tough.  Life always changes.  Life is not always fair.  I still don’t understand it.  I still miss Michael.  I still love Michael.  But life goes on………………..

Please don’t forget him.  I never will.

Libby

2011 and Life Goes On

I told someone today that Michael ruined my life by leaving me.  Wow…..how selfish was that on my part?  If you are reading this blog I can honestly say that I hope this never happens to you because you will truly NEVER be the same person.  Yes, time does heal the wounds but it doesn’t take away the memories, the times you miss with the person that you loved unconditonally for so many years…..yes, I still do NOT understand this cycle of life and death.

Ok, here is it is, February 21, 2011.  A little over 7 months after Michael traveled without me.  When he died I sent Nick to the store to buy some paper plates or something to eat off so we would not have to wash so many dishes……there was a lot of people that hung out at our home when the end was beginning and after the end.  Nick (and probably Kimi his wife) came back with this  huge stack of paper bowls that we used what seemed to be forever.  After everyone went home and all that was left in this big ol house was me, I played this game that when the bowls were gone the pain would be gone and I would be ok.  Well, the bowls were all used up last week.  The pain is less but far from gone. Am I ok?  I am better but I don’t know that I will ever be ok.  How can you lose your best friend of 32+ years and be ok?  I have no choice but to get up everyday and make it happen to survive.  Thank you for reading this……thank you for caring about Michael…..thank you for remembering him……I will never forget him.

Libby

Angel Wings

So many people have asked me to tell them the story about the Angel Wings in the clouds that I decided to go ahead and post it here.  This started out as Michael’s blog and since the wings are all about him…..well, here is the story:

When Michael first got sick we bought matching silver angel wings (each a single wing) to wear on our chains with our crosses.  So, yes, when you see my angel wing on my necklace next time I see you, you will know why I wear it.  We said that by wearing this single angel wing we would always be together because if one of us left the other behind, we would have to wait to be complete since the other would have the matching wing.

After Michael died Nick & Kimi noticed that the clouds seem to be brighter and have unusual shapes and they decided that God had made Michael the cloud designer in heaven since we all know that he was the most creative designer there ever was! So, every so often I get a photo sent to me from Nick or Kimi with a beautiful cloud or clouds in it and they will often say something like…….Daddy is working again!

As you know, Nick joined the US Army and left for boot camp on August 23rd.  It was an emotional time for me (and Kimi of course) and I have prayed very hard for him to be a successful soldier and to be safe wherever he is and come back to us unharmed.  As boot camp was winding down Nick had mastered every skill and passed every test except push ups!  Graduation day was rapidly approaching and those last 7 dreaded push ups were not happening.  The phone call came into Kimi that we should not make the LONG drive to South Carolina to family day or graduation as he was going to be recycled back a couple of weeks to build up his upper body strength.  Now, why the Army would do that over 7 lousy pushups is a mystery to me but it is the Army!  Go Army!  : )  I had also made a phone call to the base and was told it would be a waste of our time and that we would not get to see him.  Kimi was heart broken and I was very sad that I would have to delay seeing my  handsome son and his smiling face.  Kimi and I agonized everyday and waited to hear the phone call that he had passed his PT test.  The last call came…….no.  Don’t come.  He was going to be able to re-try on family day but that was a crap shoot if he made it and he didn’t feel confident enough for us to make that drive.

Well, I was mad.  I was mad at God for letting Nick go through another emotional upset and I was mad at Michael for not being there for him.  And, I found out that it is really tough being mad at God.  Being mad at God does weird things to you.  So……..I’m driving down the road, really mad.  I’m thinking about how upset Kimi is, I’m wondering how this can be……another WHY in my life and all of a sudden I look into the sky (as I am driving) and I see this perfect PAIR of angel wings.  Just as I see them I hear Michael’s deep, strong voice say GO! Of course, I grabbed up my iPhone and took a picture of those beautiful wings!!!!!!

I then called Kimi.  I said Michael said go and we are going.  Get re-packed.  I texted her the photo and I got home and re-packed myself.  We left at 4:30am the next morning and drove over 1200 miles, through 6 states, half away across the United States in pouring rain to get to that Army base on nothing but pure faith that we would get to see Nick.  Talk about LOVE!

Well, when we are in Mississippi, Nick calls Kimi and asks her what she is doing.  She tells him that we are in Mississippi on our way to South Carolina to see him on family day.  Of course, he knows he has been told he will not participate in family day but the words out of his mouth are:  I WILL PASS THE PT TEST IN THE MORNING!!!!!!

We arrive in South Carolina, after 18.5 hours of non stop driving and end up at the “Bates” Motel.  For those of you old enough to remember the movie Psycho, know what I am talking about.  We still have no idea if we will see Nick or not but I am hoping that one way or the other we (I) will cause a big enough scene to either get us on the base or in jail!  The next morning we wake up extra early to get ready and the phone call to Kimi comes in.  I PASSED!!!!!!!!!  To see Kimi beaming with happiness and pride made that brutal beginning of the trip so well worth it! So, not only did we participate in family day but we were able to watch Nick graduate with his class and as I watched the tears flow down Kimi’s cheeks and feel the love and happiness and pride build in my chest, well , you have to know that I was one happy and proud Momma!

To this day I truly believe that because of God’s blessings, Michael’s Angel Wings in the clouds and the love that Kimi and I have for Nick……we were able to spend family day with him, watch him graduate and drive him to Alabama for his next journey in training!

God is so good and we are so blessed!  Thank you God, thank you God and thank you Michael for being there for Nick when he needed you …..again!

Libby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the summer…….

And the summer became the fall……………………………

Mikala text messaged me today and asked me how I am really doing?  She shares with me her  impatience in healing and while I don’t think any of us will ever recover from the death of Michael, we can certainly hope and pray for peace of mind and heart.  I am just praying that that day really does appear.  She told me one day that she was really mad at her dad for not being there when she needed his help, mad because he will never be there to help her again.  Nick tells Kimi that Michael comes to him in his dreams and is helping him make it through boot camp.  Nick tells me in his letters that he copes by talking to everyone he meets about his dad.  He is also convinced that Michael is the new graphics designer in heaven and is the head designer for the clouds.

We did a white balloon release at the memorial service.  Nick and I held out balloons till the very last moment.  We didn’t want to let go of them.  Letting go of them meant letting go of Michael.  I have never been good at letting go.  Especially of someone that I loved so dearly.  Yes, it still hurts, can y;ou tell?  But at least I am able to smile more, talk about Michael to others without breaking down and while my voice will crack and the tears will come to my eyes……I can usually control my emotions.  I guess I am getting stronger.

I went to a motivational seminar on Monday.  Zig Ziglar was there, Colin Powell, Laura Bush, Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and several other great speakers.  They were each very different in their presentations….not only in content but in the way they presented but each one talked about two things in particular.  One was TRUST……the trust you have for yourself and the trust you must have in others and JOY……the joy that we must be able to find everyday.

I challenge myself to find joy everyday.  Even when things are not always as I hope or wish, I try to find the joy.  If I can’t find the joy in someone or something, I try very hard to let it go, walk around it or take it out of my life.  The people that bring us down and do not contribute to our joy are not worthy of our thoughts or attention.  We truly do have the ability to choose the people we surround ourselves with.  This is not always easy.  There are many days I wonder if I will ever find true joy again.  I can’t imagine at this point where my life is going or what I am supposed to do…….I am still on that quest in my life.  I do wish I would hurry and find it……..I told Mikala that her impatience is a gene inherited from me!  Michael was the patient one.  Not always but as he grew older he just realized that being impatient was not usually worth the effort and he just rolled with the flow.  I need to work on that skill as well.

My biggest challenge is finding sleep.  Sleep is still not my friend.  It’s almost like  game between the body and the mind.  Who is going to win tonight?  If the mind gives in and relaxes then the emotions want to take over and I am so tired of crying that I find myself constantly struggling to stay busy so that I don’t have to experience the sadness.  Then I pay the price by being so tired from the 3am late nights.  Life is not fair.  I get it.  I still don’t have to like it.  I am trying now to just not hate it.  I don’t have to like it, try not to hate it.  That is the mantra.

So, the summer has turned into the fall and another season will be ascending upon on us soon.  I will hope that the final months of this year pass me by as quickly as possible.  Michael loved all the holidays.  He loved the smells, the tastes, the get togethers with our family and our friends.  He loved the twinkly lights, the music, the decorations, the shopping and of course the surprises on Christmas Eve.  The holidays are never going to be the same.  My life without Michael will never be the same.  Did I say I would try not to hate it………………….

Kimi and I will be going to see Nick soon.  I miss him so much.  What a great boy / man he has become.  Michael was proud of him.  I am sure that he tells Nick this in his dreams.  London turned one on the 18th.  Michael and I were so excited at the birth of our first grandbaby.  Michael was a proud grandpa.  He loved the name “Grandpa” and he wanted to take London fishing……………I wish London would have known him.  Maybe he does.

So, life goes on……..again…….I am praying that Mikala and Nick and I find peace in our own ways, as we need it to be, that we never forget the man that has made such an impact on our hearts and in our lives and that we learn to feel joy again and that as the seasons change, so will we, for the better.

I love you Michael.  I miss you terribly.  If God gave me the choice to stay or go, I would go but until that day comes, I will never forget and I will always love you.

 

Libby

And Life Goes On………

The days have gone from being just days to weeks and now to months………just when I think that time is working it’s magic and returning me to normal I realize that I  truly will never be “normal”.  I am ok, just not the same.  I don’t cry everyday anymore but not a day goes by that my heart does not sink when I remember that Michael is not coming home. I have questioned everything I know to question about how and why this could have happened, why it did happen and why it had to end so suddenly.  In my mind I had decided that Michael would be here till at least the end of the year.  In his mind he had decided that he was not leaving us for a very long time, if ever.  False hope from the doctor that I was able to read between the lines but Michael loved me and the kids so deeply and dearly that he would not accept that this was real, serious and going to happen.  I just never dreamed it would happen so fast.  That is the shock that has taken so long to set into my heart.  It is over.  It’s not going to change…….I hate it and that is not going to change anything either.  I have gone through being mad at the doctor, being mad at God to just being sad, sad that I was left behind.  Isn’t that selfish on my part?!?!?!  I feel cheated in life because the man that I loved with all my heart and soul is not here to share anything with me.  We can’t share the love Mikala and Wes have for London, his first steps, his first words, his beautiful eyes and smile that melted Michael’s heart.  Before he lapsed into a coma I showed him London’s card that Mikala  had sent on Fathers Day.  That big goofy sweet smile saying “I am coming to give you sloppy kisses Grandpa” that I read over and over to him and Michael would smile and say “that little boy”.  Then I would show him Mikala’s crazy photo of her running in a marathon and he would laugh and say “I love that goofy girl” and then each day Nick would come in and sit on his bed and visit and when he left Michael would always say “that is one good boy, I love him”.  Those are the words I miss, the voice I want to hear……We won’t share Nick’s accomplishments as a United States Soldier.  Nick left on August 23rd for the Army.  I know that Michael is so very proud of the man his son has turned out to be. He was so happy that Nick and Kimi were married and that he was able to be there. We can’t share finally being alone again after having kids at home for 29  years…..the things we planned to do, the travels, the relaxing, being together for the rest of our life.

I was talking to my friend the other night and I was going over  the what if’s, the I wish and the fact that I did not want Michael to take the chemo and she gently reminded me that none of the what if’s or wishes or wants really mattered because when the minute ticked on the clock that was already etched in the book of life and death, when it was Michael’s time to leave this earthly life that nothing could stop that moment in time.  And, I know that it is true.  Not what I wanted to hear, but none the less true.  Faith.  Faith is the word that keeps me moving forward right now.  I have faith that one day we will be together again and that I will not have pain in my heart and soul like this forever.  Until that day………….I will work on healing, on caring for Mikala, Nick, London, Wes and Kimi, on being a good person and helping others……..leaving more than I take.

I have discovered that life is shorter than we think, life can change in the blink of an eye and that we leave this world with absolutely NOTHING but our soul & we leave behind with others whatever we choose to share with them.  Michael shared so much of himself with me and our children.  I know what an awesome man he was, how humble and caring he could be and how many lives he truly touched with the massive amount of cards, letters, emails and phone calls that I have received.  I hope he knows how many people have been so good to me because of him.  He really payed it forward for me.  I love him so much.

Friends……….friends come into our life in such a variety of degrees and depth of being.  I have some friends that are always in my life when it matters and isn’t that what friends are supposed to do?  Pick you up when you can’t pick yourself up, listen without talking because they know you can’t listen right now, love you when you don’t love yourself and sit with you into the wee hours of the morning because you can’t sleep and they know you don’t want to be alone.  Oh, and I can’t forget the friends that have painted, cleaned, hammered, whatever it took to make my home beautiful and comfortable for me to be in.  Those are the friends that are friends…….the ones who are here when it matters.  Thank you my friends.

Now the summer has moved into the fall.  And soon another season will pass.  How quickly the time does move.  I am not sure how I feel about the ending of this year.  It sure didn’t turn out how I planned it to be looking back at my goals set in January 2010.  I don’t want to dwell on the past so I will do my best to look forward to the future………..I have no idea what I am doing or how I will do it but I keep the faith that there is a plan and that I will be smart enough to know it and accept it when it is presented to me.  I am still questioning life and all the whys and whats and if I ever find out the answer……..well, that will be another post on the blog.

Love you…………………Libby

How are you doing?

There is not a day that goes by that someone either calls me, texts me, emails me, Facebook messages me or sees me that doesn’t ask…….” How are you? “

I usually reply……..” I’m ok. ”  Some people accept that for what it is and others press a little harder by asking me……”really, how are you? ”  I thought about that today and decided that I would answer that question.

I really don’t think I know how I am.  I am still very sad but I don’t cry on a regular basis through out the day.  I miss Michael like I have never missed anyone in my entire life but now I can say that without bursting into tears.  I walk into our home at least once a day knowing that he will not ever be there to greet me again and I know that I will never look up again and see him smiling at me as he walks in the door for me to greet him nor will we ever walk in that door together again.  It hurts and it hurts bad.  I still don’t know how I will ever get used to that. I still don’t know how I am going to do it but I don’t have any choices or any control over what has happened.  At least I am not getting sick anymore when I think about it.  I just still feel incredibly sad when I allow that thought to cross my mind.

I am still not sleeping very well.  I am just learning not to text people in the wee hours of the morning.  I am trying to see happiness and joy at least once each day and I am able to say Michaels name in a sentence without tears running down my face.  Or maybe I am just learning a little self control.

Then all my wonderful friends and family will ask…….”What can I do for you?”  I wish I knew the answer to that one.  I don’t even know what to do for myself.  I just keep thinking that this magical time, the time that heals all sorrows will hurry up and pass and maybe, just maybe I will wake up one day and this sick feeling in my stomach and the tightness in my chest will have lifted.  Where are you time?

Michael was my very best friend.  He was the person that I preferred to spend my time with, the person I told all my secrets, dreams and goals to and he understood all my quirky ways without ever judging me, just sometimes gently laughing with his deep soft voice.  I miss his voice so much.  I miss hearing him call me “darlin’”.  I miss waking up next to him and hugging him each night before I went to sleep.  I miss our trips to the bookstore, our non stop hunt for M&Ms and just hanging out watching his stupid movies over and over again that he loved so much.  I would go back and watch every stupid movie he ever wanted me to watch if I could just have him here with me again.  Life really sucks.

My friends are  awesome.  Someone comes over most everyday and I am called throughout the day…………….thanks guys!  I hope that one day I can be as good of a friend to you as you are to me.  Life is so unfair sometimes that it makes it even more important to be kind to each other to try to balance out the score.  Be patient with me, I am sure that one day I will really be ok but right now I am just here and trying to understand why and where I am going and what I am supposed to be doing.  When I find out, you will be the first to know.

Love and hugs………………….Libby

Michael Tilton Memorial Video

Memorial Video

Follow this link to view the memorial video.

Lean on Me

We have all heard the words that Bill Withers made famous, and might even be swaying and singing along in our heads right now…

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

My daddy was one of those men who lent his shoulder when someone needed to lean. He used his strength in his hands when he was younger and would help anyone that needed someone to hammer a nail, hang a slab of sheet rock, fix a leak in the plumbing etc. It didn’t matter what time of night, how many beads of sweat the job required….if you were a friend in need he was there. As he began to age and went from construction work to computer geek he still found a way to lend a helping hand. He fixed computers, created websites, designed business logos, made school spirit signs, created t-shirt logos and anything else he could do to assist. Most of all he lent his help without asking for anything in return other than friendship and maybe a beer at the end of the job. My daddy never spoke about it at home, he never complained, and he sure wouldn’t have written this post to brag. Well, the good thing about being a daughter is that you get to brag on your parents whether they like it or not (Sorry daddy, I love you and I am proud!)

So, in the spirit of this song and what it truly means, my daddy was the friend that helped another man carry on. Today, even in his absence he needs someone to lean on. He needs you, his friends, to care for his family while he is gone. I can’t help but be emotional knowing I am leaving my mom to travel back to my own little family over a thousand miles away. I can’t help but be emotional knowing my brother will also soon leave to the ARMY. I cant help but be emotional that my mom will be here in TX without her closest family to give her the shoulder to lean on. The support when the grass needs to be mowed, the air conditioner needs to be repaired, the stove breaks, she is lonely at night, she gets scared in the dark, her car tire has a blow out, her heart pangs at her chest in sadness, she has a bad day, she has a great day, she wants a hug, she needs encouragement, the electricity goes out and she needs a candle, she is sick, she hears a good joke, she gets angry….this list could go on and on. So I am asking, pleading with her friends, with my dads friends, with anyone who can understand what I am saying here….please, lend a shoulder in anyway you possibly can for my mom. Because again, I am her daughter, and I know that she won’t ask…instead, she will carry on offering her own shoulder of support and even when that shoulder is weak, and it hurts to the core she will carry on, because that is how my family has always been. (Sorry mom, I love you so much)

If you happen to read this blog because someone told someone told someone told you and you don’t even know our family, then take this message and offer your shoulder to someone, even if they haven’t asked, even if they seem like they have it altogether. We all need someone to lean on.

And thank you to all of the dear friends and family who have already been here lending their support. You have all made me feel comfortable returning home, knowing how loved my momma truly is.

Love, Mikala

Peace and Love….Libby

Dear Friends, Family and those keeping up with this blog for Michael:

The last several days have been pretty much of a blur. As our family gathered together to be with Michael in the last few days of his life there was an incredible charge of emotions as he slipped into a coma up until he took his last breath with me, Mikala and Nick holding his hands, kissing his face and telling him goodbye. As I look back on that day, it was almost like being in a dream state. We didn’t eat or drink and we barely slept, afraid that we would miss the final moments and not wanting him to be alone. Nick sat with him all night Monday night, holding his hand, talking to him, telling him things that only he and Nick will ever know until the dawn broke and Kimi got him to rest while Mikala and I took over the watch vigil while he tried to sleep. People were in and out but I really don’t even remember who was there or what was going on. I don’t even remember baby London making any noise, of course his daddy (Wes) was there taking over his every need so that Mikala could stay by her daddy’s side……what an incredible family we have.
Our friends and family were in and out bringing in food, drinks, ice chests, flowers, cards, hugs and tears and we appreciate your out pouring of love and support more than you will ever know.
Michael and I had set goals on New Years Eve, 2009. One of those goals was that Michael would retire by New Years Eve, 2010 and that we would travel together while building our business and relax on the beach in California where Mikala, Wes and London live now.
Just a few weeks ago, Michael looked at me and in his deep voice, still with a smile on his face, said….”well, I guess I am retired now, not exactly how I had in mind, but we accomplished one of our goals.”
Then he left to travel without me. I told him to be sure and wait when he reached his destination because one day I will follow and meet him to travel together again.
His final earthly resting place will be on that beautiful beach in San Diego California where his ashes will be scattered so that he will be where he wanted to spend his retirement and he can rest in peace, wrapped in the wings of angels, where there will be no pain and hurt will not be able to find him ever again.
I will never be the same person again. All the things that seemed so important to me are now just things. Michael left this life with nothing except what was in his heart and in his soul. One day I know I will wake up and the sadness will not be so intense and I hope that I can spend my life becoming a better person, always leaving behind more than I take and knowing that the impact we make on other peoples life is really the only important thing that matters.
I truly believe that we come into this human body to learn a lesson and leave good behind. I questioned in my mind, while I sat next to Michael as to what he learned and what he left behind. I gained so much peace in my own soul as well as knowing that in Michaels soul that he was at peace with what he learned on this earth. His life growing up was hard and he did not trust many people and he did not allow many people into his personal life. Michael was very shy and unsure of others. When he was first diagnosed with cancer the outpouring of support and the angels that walked into our life was amazing. He commented many times to me that he could not believe that people were so caring about him and how appreciative he was of the visits, cards, well wishes, etc. It was truly unbelievable how kind even people we didn’t know were to us during this time.
I think the lesson he left this earth with was that people are truly good and that the verse “Love One Another” came true for him . For that our family is thankful to you!
What did he leave behind? People came up to me that I didn’t even know to tell me what he had done for them from building sheds, fixing computers, repairing their roofs, fixing satellite dishes and so many other things and that he would never take a dime in payment. He showed them that people are not always after something in return. He left behind 2 of the best children ever. He taught them to be kind and loving, to be good to others, to hang on to each other and that they can be anything they want to be in this life. He left this earth a good man, a great father, a loving husband, a friend and now he is in God’s hands. I will always love him and miss him beyond belief.
May someone touch your heart when you need it the most……it is probably an angel that God sent to help you.
Peace and Love.
Libby

Obituary – Fort Worth Star Telegram

Michael James Tilton (1952 – 2010)

Michael James Tilton, a devoted husband, caring father and loving friend, passed away Tuesday, July 6, 2010. Memorial service: A service will be held to honor Michael and to celebrate his life from 1 to 4 p.m. Saturday at Olive Place Baptist Church, 3283 Olive Place, Fort Worth. All friends, family and anyone wishing to rejoice in Michael’s return home to heaven are welcome. Survivors: His wife and best friend, Libby Tilton – they lived and loved together for over 31 years; precious daughter, Mikala Nicole Janse van Rensburg and her husband, Wes, and their son, London, of San Diego, Calif.; beloved son and future United States Army soldier, Nickolas van Tilton and his wife, Kimberly, of Fort Worth; and faithful sister, Mary Jane England and her husband, Larry Peacock, of Houston.

Read more:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dfw/obituary.aspx?n=michael-james-tilton&pid=143977900#ixzz0tF6a3vQE